In Marriage Nest, Spouses Are Dying Ignoring Red Flags and The Panacea (2)

By: Balami Lazarus

I saw it coming. As a writer, my works and I have been verbally attacked several times. I raised an eyebrow at how some readers react by using bad language on issues, opinions, and views. Well, that is their way of expression when they are displeased, but I feel it is grotty.

And here is the conclusion of the “controversial piece,” as one caller puts it. For me, there is nothing controversial about this discourse but the truth of the grotesque happenings in married homes. And the way out, as I earlier wrote, is divorce.

Recently there has been an inflation of brutal murders in marriages; those killed are mostly women and children, and fewer men. What justification does one have to continue in a marriage where there are threats, violence, and unhappiness generated by the presence of either the husband or the wife? And unknowingly one becomes prey hunted by an in-house predator.

Sharks areamong the most intelligent aquatic animals. Their sense of smell is very sharp; they can smell and detect blood or any red object in water from a far distance and come for it at near the speed of light. Therefore, women’s body chemistry is like that of sharks; they sense and notice things easily. But what is wrong with many of them in marriage that they are unable to detect landmines or red flags early in their marriages? Where there is a threat to life with the intention to hurt, harm, and/or cause grievous injury or death, that is when they realize they are living in gross bondage if they are lucky to come out of it alive.

As students at Pluto College Sharam in Kanke-Plateau State, we were told and made to understand as boys to treat our girl students with love and care and be there for them when the need arises. That was one of the lessons that came from the late Dr. Sumaila Ndayako (Rector), as he was known and called. As boys, we dared not humiliate, insult, or threaten them in any way; rather, we were to take them as our sisters by extension. This has taught me to respect and care for the opposite sex.

Moreover, my association, membership, and experience with some human rights organizations have enlightened me with rights, liberties, and freedom garnished by respect for individual differences, rights and privileges, consent, and action. With this knowledge put together, I consider marriage never a do-or-die affair but a privilege with consent to be a husband to a woman who also has rights/consent to be a wife and live in matrimony. Why then humiliation, abuses, and domestic violence?

I have observed in my experience as a married man that if you take away some women from their husbands, they will die, and vice versa. Despite the domestic violence and abuses inflicted on either party, he/she is willing and prefers to die in such gothic marriage situations because one among them has a deep spiritual attachment to the marriage. This is common in Christendom, where “till death do us part.” My question here is, what kind of death? Intentional, accidental, or natural? This created injunction clause does not hold water in life-threatening marriages.

Living in a shark-jaws marriage, I always blamed women who had seen the red flags but refused to leave such marriages and the house-husband (husband). I further came to understand that patience and the pretext that all is well have caused damage to both spouses in terms of emotional and traumatic agonies and some to their graves.

Therefore, spouses that are trapped in this valley of death with its quagmire should know that marriage is a thing of choice. Likewise, divorce is permissible as a panacea for both to be alive to breathe freely.

Balami, a publisher/columnist, 0803677929

In Marriage Nest, Spouses Are Dying Ignoring Red Flags and The Panacea (2)

In Marriage Nest, Spouses Are Dying, Ignoring Red Flags, and The Panacea (1)

By: Balami Lazarus

In the quite beautiful town of Zhimbutu, where men held sway, lording over their wives, some with brutality, few with love,

care and romance others in different ways. While some women are also lords over their husbands with impunity. Fear of getting married gripped young ladies seeing the ways their mothers were being treated and relegated to the background in the affairs of their homes as married women.

The home of Mr. and Mrs. Kwanchinkwalo Xhosa is full of regrets, anger, and bitterness, where Mrs. Xhosa has been treated as an object in the marriage partnership. The red spots were obviously fermented with bubbles ready for brewing.

Similarly, some good number of marriage homes are full of regrets where love, peace, and understanding

and harmony are strangers rejected and kept in a labyrinth of doom where one of the parties is placed in a perpetual tan of unhappiness surrounded by fear in the thickness of smoke, a forced resident.

Long before, now as a young man, a legitimate product of marriage. I took marriage as a mere secular social contract of partnership bounded in love and understanding where two have agreed to live together as husband and wife in matrimony.

However, I have never taken marriage to be a do-or-die affair, which has been the stock of some persons, even when and if the two—husband and wife—can no longer live together, having exhausted reasonable avenues to no avail. Here I am.

for outright divorce as a panacea for the final dissolution of the marriage.

To this day, I have been asking myself, why did I even get married in the first place? For sex, procreation, companionship, norms, tradition, or obligation? While marriage to a larger extent has deprived me and many others of some air of freedom and liberties to do or not to do at any space of time, I suppose. Moreover, the enterprise called marriage has taken away the ‘who’ in many men and

women and made them something else. It has further forcefully taken the lives of many spouses who ignored the red flags and fear of divorce. And besides, many have taken upon themselves to live or die in an unhappy/venomous venture of marriage that is infested with ‘dysentery’ and ‘cholera,’ where death is lurking because husbands or wives lack the guts, will , ability, and/or capacity to invoke the dead-end solution.

Let me now punctuate the work with some questions: Were you forced into it? Was it under duress? Was it at gunpoint? I believed the answers were all no. What will then prevent an individual from liquidating his unprofitable marital interest in such an intense business called marriage to be free from wahala that may likely result in crime?

In such a situation, I advocate for divorce as the only and final panacea, which has a comfortable place as a clause in my dictionary of marriage. Divorce is rarely used in some quarters, no matter what. While my wife and I have sincerely agreed in the course of our marriage journey that at any point in time, with or without any reason/cause, either party can quietly and peacefully walk out of the marriage to avoid who knows what?

In the history of failed marriages and crime findings, it has been shown that one of the parties is forcing his/herself on the other spouse because one of them has a profound and compounded emotional or spiritual attachment to the marriage. The case of the late Mrs. Osinachi Nwachukwu (2023), the gospel singer, was a classical example. Patience and excessive spiritual attachment led to her being killed by her husband, one Mr. Nwachukwu. The same is also applicable to men who fall victim in the hands of their wives. This situation has created two prime suspected killers living in a marriage cocoon.

Balami, a publisher/columnist. 08036779290

In Marriage Nest, Spouses Are Dying, Ignoring Red Flags, and The Panacea (1)

Birthday Celebrations: Ageless Plus One They Puke

By: Balami Lazarus

As I write this piece, I was caught between the beautiful literary works of two great African poets and not knowing who to quote because they say the same thing poetically in different ways, going by their subject matter. As the writing progresses, I will definitely make reference to one of them to qualify this discourse.

The “Ancient Egyptian Book of the Dead” I read recently has explicitly expressed our individual differences exhibited by man in lifestyles and even in death. The book written in spell said that even in death, individuals are different.

I hereby believe that some persons are battling with parents, relatives, friends, and acquaintances who are trying to impose their ways of life and styles on them, refusing to accept the fact that likes and dislikes make us different as humans. When I got to understand myself as an individual adult who has a mind of his own, making me positively different, that was the beginning of my journey to self-freedom as an individual.

As humans, we are physically the same, but we easily forget that you and I are entirely different. I have always tried to single myself out from the crowd to make a difference in terms of things that are personal and not against the law. With this in mind, I have developed a very strong, self-independent mindset, which has made me principled, and I don’t play to the gallery. That has also made me stand out like an inselberg mountain. However, for the purpose of family, collective responsibilities, and public interest, I must stoop with love and understanding for the sake of progress, growth, and development.

Therefore, my dislike for birthday celebrations makes me different from you or anyone out there. Moreover, it is of no value to me as I live. With this, I recalled when a young school pupil was asked at a children’s program, Would you like to be like Aliko Dangote ?

He answered and said, “No, we are different.” For me, that was a brilliant answer, for it entails so many things.

I have long disciplined and have control of my mind, body, and soul to outgrow so many things that are not necessary or important for me to either have , do, or use. This has helped me to brush aside and ignore so many things. Perhaps for the purpose of association or friendship, I might like or admire some things about the individual concerned, but the fact remains I will not and shall never be you nor do as you do because even in death—funeral/burial—we are different.

Most birthdays are celebrated empty of how old the celebrants are because they are ageless. What is the rationale behind this?. Does it make sense? . My father, of blessed memory, was good at record keeping. He taught us, as his children, to be mindful of important dates and years for future use and documentation. He further reminded us that “your birthday has been properly celebrated during your naming ceremony. Why another birthday celebratio”n?

I have seen where some people took birthday celebrations as if they were a personal achievement, and some even took offense when you did not identify with them by either phone calls , text messages, or other social media handles. Shamelessly, few among these individuals confront you with the anger of a black mamba showing all over them as if it were an obligation to celebrate with them on this self-meaningless and childish glee, which I see as generational encroachment because as a mature adult, you no longer need such celebration. This is my opinion.

I will not conclude this article without telling readers that I do attend ceremonies like Thanksgiving, graduations, award presentations, marriages, namings, and funerals, among other important events, but not birthday celebrations; that is always Plus (+) One, year in and year out. What is a burlesque? And this brings me to where I will have to quote one of the two African poets, Wole Soyinka and John Pepper Clark (Abikus). Suffice to say, Plus (+) One is like the Abiku in Wole Soyinka’s poem “I am Abiku calling for the first… repeated time , ageless though our puke.” This is the way of many birthday celebrants .

Finally, I smell the spoor of some readers saying in their minds that this writer is out of date , a bushman, socially bankrupt, and does not belong. I guess I am right . Well, in recollection, calmness, and stillness, I stand to say we are different.

Balami, a publisher/columnist 08036779290.

Birthday Celebrations: Ageless Plus One They Puke